AU Presents: Sneakers for Safe Spaces, A Sneaker Drive Event

By Taye Johnson

Ladies and gentlemen, grab your recycled tote bags and sprinkle some pixie dust on those intellectual loafers, for we are entering the era of unparalleled academia: the Sneaker Drive! Yes, Adelphi University has spoken. In the spirit of innovation, tradition and a desperate attempt to seem relevant, AU has elected to host a Sneaker Drive for the arts. Realizing that innovation is nothing without comfort, our esteemed university has launched what can only be described as the main event of the year: the Sneaker Drive.

Step Up: Donate Sneakers to Support the Art Community's Sole Needs! Photo by Freepik

Under the eye of the administration, students and faculty alike are encouraged to donate their sneakers to an incredibly ambiguous cause. Behold the new campaign, “Sneakers for Safe Spaces,” which aims to construct the “bridges” out of used Nikes and “avenues for dialogue” out of Adidas. Experts assert that this symbolic gesture will single-handedly dismantle systemic oppression, one sweaty sneaker at a time.

Revolutionaries and revolution-bound; prepare your soles for the epic event that lies ahead. For sneaker submissions, Professor Tweedy will review the sneaker arrangement by color, size and historical importance. 

Rumors suggest that the art department has already contacted Professor Banksy to construct a modern art piece, provisionally titled “Soleful Reflections,” composed entirely of worn trainers. Installation will be at the University Center for all to see at a date as yet to be determined. 

While the logistics of sorting and redistributing sneakers has led to widespread existential crises among the usually rigid administrative staff, the project offers a whimsical approach to hand-me-down fashion. To participate in the event, the Sneakademic Council has announced that applicants must submit a 500-word essay discussing the socio-political impacts of sneaker culture coupled with an original TikTok featuring dance moves inspired by sneaker enthusiasts of the 1980s.

The hashtag #SoleMission is going viral, and campus influencers are flaunting it. Meanwhile, in support of the event, Facilities declares that the new mosaic garden bench will bear the inspirational quote: “Not All Those Who Converse Are Vans.”

The vision for the Sneaker Drive is both far-reaching and heel-deep in societal promises. It’s a stride toward enlightenment, where every Converse footprint is a step forward on the path of righteousness.

So, as you lather your worn-all-weekend kicks with Febreze, remember: participation isn’t just about donating shoes; it’s about exporting soul and importing sole. May your contributions to “Sneakers for Safe Spaces” be as prolific as your procrastinations.

Happy intellectually guilt-free sneaker hunting!