DOGE Interns Target Adelphi for Straw Usage in Bombshell Report
- Delphian Newspaper
- Mar 31
- 3 min read
By Hussein Ali Rifath
The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has just published a report outlining its findings after it launched a surprise investigation of Adelphi University’s finances. The audit, which was prompted by rumors that the University won’t be reintroducing plastic straws, comes as DOGE officials have made national headlines in their efforts to slash fraud, waste and abuse of public funds.
The saga began last Wednesday when a group of DOGE interns were seen entering Levermore Hall accompanied by men who identified themselves as federal law enforcement. The men shoved aside a group of students waiting for the elevator and cited their government credentials when challenged. “I’m just here to do my job,” said one of the interns as he looked down at the floor when questioned by a reporter for The Defiler.
Once in the basement, the group made its way to the One-Stop Student Services Center. Staff initially attempted to block them from entering, but quickly relented.
“I mean, what can you do?” lamented one student worker who requested to remain anonymous. “Our hands are tied. President Trump sent them, and now they’re in there looking through everyone’s files as we speak, doing God knows what with them. They locked all the doors and covered the windows, so we can’t even see anything. That’s got to be some kind of a FERPA violation or something…”
The DOGE officials ran an artificial intelligence model to process and analyze One-Stop’s financial data. The results confirmed their greatest fears: last month, the university chose to renew a contract for paper straws in blatant disregard for Executive Order 14208, which President Donald Trump signed to end the use of paper straws and reintroduce plastic straws nationwide.
President Trump commented on the probe during an exchange with reporters last Wednesday at the Flagpole Lawn. “It’s a damn shame what they’re doing to our colleges. Adelphi used to be a good school! Now, not so much. Number one, there’s potholes everywhere. Number two, nobody wants to eat here because of all those paper straws. Paper straws are garbage. I've had them many times, and on occasion, they break. Sometimes, they explode. If something's hot, they don't last very long–like a matter of minutes–and sometimes, a matter of seconds. It's a ridiculous situation!”
President Trump also voiced skepticism about the university’s mold eradication program. “They’re spending tens of thousands of dollars to fix mold. It’s just a tiny, microscopic amount of mold; you couldn’t even see it! I don’t think that mold’s going to affect a student very much as they’re breathing their way through the campus. It’s all a big fat scam. So, DOGE did a really good job—it’s incredible, what’s happened. It’s the biggest scam of the century, to tell you the truth. There’s a lot of fraud and we’re going to get to the bottom of it.”
Some members of the Adelphi community were quick to voice concerns about the implications of DOGE’s visit. A professor who opted to remain anonymous said: “Our society is drifting rapidly towards fascism and authoritarianism; we are in a crisis of historical proportions. The way we as a country respond will continue to affect us for generations to come.”
Others, however, were more receptive. “If this leads to tuition cuts, I don’t mind,” said one anonymous student. “I’ve been beefing with One-Stop for a while now.”
At the time of writing, the DOGE visitors were last seen picking up burritos from Tu Taco at the University Center. Since then, they have remained elusive.
When asked by The Defiler how the University plans to respond, an administrator said: “Adelphi University is committed to providing a quality dining environment for its students. The Government’s attempts to dictate which kinds of straws we can and can’t use infringe on our rights as a university. We intend to respond in kind.”
DOGE did not immediately respond to The Defiler’s requests for comment.
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